My Child is LGBT – What do I do? How do I react?

For a parent, their son or daughter coming out as gay can be extremely difficult. Some feel devastated, disappointed and even scared for their children. Many parents can feel that their child’s sexuality is just a phase. The reality is, that this is rarely the case. The chances are your child will have agonised over whether to “come out” or talk to you about their sexuality for months or sometimes even years.

Some parents may feel that their child can be “cured” of homosexuality or homosexuality is a “choice”. In fact, there is no conscious choice factor, it just is. Some peoples favourite colour may be blue, they can’t explain why, it just is. Some people also believe they are in love, they can’t explain why, they just are. There is no explanation for this, it just is the way it is, and it cannot be changed no matter what you wish to believe. Some may believe that they have made their child this way, the child has either been exposed to too little femininity or too much masculinity. Nobody knows exactly why people are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Assuming that you caused your child to be gay is wrong, you have not made your son or daughter this way.

For long periods of time, many parents struggle to come to terms with their child’s sexuality and may never. Some parents have described fears of helplessness and resentment and sometimes can even be embarrassed or ashamed. Worrying about what neighbours and family as well as friends think can add to the sense of isolation some parents feel because they do not know how others will react to this news, they can feel like they almost have nobody to turn to. We must realise that as well as being hard for parents to come to terms with their child’s sexuality, the child may also be finding it extremely difficult to come to terms with who they are. Ignoring the issue, condemning it or coming up with an excuse for why they are not heterosexual can have an adverse effect on both the child and the family.

We realise that coming to terms with what can sometimes feel like a “bombshell” is not going to happen overnight and will probably take some time, days, weeks, months or even years. So if you can’t discuss these emotions straight away, you needn’t worry or feel bad. Its natural to feel these ways. However you may have to rebuild your relationship with your child, which can be a slow process, but no matter how long it takes, you will get there in the end. You should understand that this is a great ordeal for your child but your son or daughter must also realise that it can be difficult for you as well, and you need not go through it alone. There are groups that can help, with advice, guidance and support for both you, you family, friends, and your child themselves.

Finally, you might find it interesting to read the other pages in this site, specifically the ‘LGBT Life’ page, and for one moment imagine yourself in the position of your child, going through the things that they are going through. We recommend you read the ‘Coming Out’ section, and think about it. You may find it as hard and worrying as you feel now!
You may want to visit our sister website http://www.whatsinyourcloset.co.uk/ which details a resource pack that we made as a group. Our members put together this free CD that has lots of information, advice, guidance and statistics for a young person, but also for parents, families, friends, youth workers and teachers!

“Finding out that your child is gay needn’t be the end of the world – it can be a new beginning.” (Nigel Cooper, http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/0-9/4health/sex/lgb_children.html)